I think I am a walking Blogger.
If there is a kinda chip in my brain,I would have it connect to my account at blogspot.
So it will keep blogging my running thoughts.
No kidding.

And now as I sit my ass down,I kinda forgot all the GOOD stuff that whiz past my brain on my way back home.
So much for a Word Warrior.
Blah!

My vocab reeks!
(Yea,I mean Reeks!Coz it stinks.)

Ok...Here goes.
----------------------------------------

Today is one of the most BORING days at work.
Mingli wasnt here.
Not even Jamie.
Justin went for 'sales visit' at the end of the day.(yea,that client is his friend.Really!)
Moo2 isnt here too.
No more Jade.
So I am really bored!

I didnt have to call any more.
And it sucks sitting there.

And really all these made me FED UP!
Man,what kinda life is this!

Sure..get paid sitting there doing nothing.
Hey,I'm growing piles!And my piles are growing fungus!And the fungus on my piles breeds mushrooms!
(Ok,I have no idea how does piles look like and dont wish to know for the rest of my life.)

Sucks man!

It made me hungry!
Is this what I want?
Nah!
My performance at Seraya reeks too.
Is this really my standards.

I really refused to believe so.
The more that I fear that my life would be destined to be a unaccomplished soul,the more I refuse to believe so!
I want to do something!

I really would wanna be the person whom they witnessed in the interviews!

Argh!
Kick*Chop*Punch*

HMPH!
-----------------------

When I reached home,I open my dull,boring,uninteresting,deadly,monotonous,plain(and tell me whatever synonyms) wardrode!
Damn!I think I'm Charlie Chaplin the second!
Black..White..Black and more white.
With few browns,2 or 3 reds and pinks.

NO WONDER my life is so uninteresting as well.

Argh!!
Kick*Chop*Punch*Punch*

And I am proven once again that that auntie sitting in the living room now is my biological mum.

As I walked to the bathroom,she basically made the same comment of my clothing.

Argh!!

Kick*Chop*Punch*Punch*Kick*

So if I am gonna get any clothes this GSS(likely.Hehz!),make sure that I am buying other colours!

But strictly no pastel blue!
Yurks.
Sky blue,baby blue?
I think that is a very uninteresting colour too.
The only thinkg that made this colour looks great is the sky.

Before you tell me 'water' too,please go on the tap and see what colour is your water.

Blah!

And yea,no neon colours.
They are meant for the traffic police.

I know you are gonna blah me coz traffic police dun wear neon colours clothes.Then what are those?Signallers?

-------

Just as I got tired of my boring life(not for long,I hope),I thought of Jason.
(On my way back too)

I thought sometimes we are not bf/gf but merely dating partners.
Bf/Gf we used to be but time wears us down to dating partners.

Before Jason jumps off his seat while reading this,just lemme con'td.

Is such what time can do to a couple?

Remember those times when all you think of is giving surprises.
Go to a store and wish you could bag down everything just for him/her?
Your finger just cant stop smsing 24-7 and reports how you feel,how's the day and every single detail?

Till now it wears down to a good morning and/or good night msg?
You go to store just look for your own stuff.

Oh man..when is the last rose?(not counting Valentine.I think roses for V day is so downright uncreative and dead)

When is the last time you bother to call me?

When is the last time that you feel romantic and excited in a date?

When is the last time when you feel like 1st date.(sure..a new partner)

Before I start to feel angry at Jason again,I told myself off.(see..how nice am I?)

I told myself that I shouldn't just push everything to Jason just becoz I am feeling tired and lonely.And push him off when I am feeling independent and strong.
It aint Jason but me.

After I bathed,I was proven that that uncle sitting in the living room talking to my mum is my biological dad.

Evidences of heredity proven twice a day is a record.*

He asked me about Jason!
He asked how is him,is he still playing football,did he call me to talk,sms??

I wish I could tell him this:

"Dad,Jason is fine.Yes he is still playing foot ball.No he didnt call me.Smses b/w us could be count within my single hand with a ratio of 3:2."

What?It's the truth wha!

-_-Instead I told him that what for he tell me about soccer,nothing nice also."

This is also the truth.

But what I didnt said is obviously more true coz if you bother to call and tell,I would listen.

If there are few occasions that I didnt listened and blahed you,it could be that I am not in a good mood myself and really soccer isnt the only thing you could blah when you call me.

Ok ok.
I know you are so gonna decided that I am Ji An(in Doreamon) again coz no matter what,you are still a nice bf.(Just as I wont forget that gentle good bye night)

Ok,I am hard to please,hard to romance,hard to everything.

Man,I hate it when I feel so 'strong'.
Cant you just pour acid over me and weaken me?
I need a man who can do that,you know?

No I am not advertising for MCPs.(Fuck you,MCPians)
But merely I need a man who could hush me down to that sweet lil gal when I am with him all times.
Make me in love!

Oh fudge,who knows when that comes I would beg to differ again.

Yea,I am HARD TO PLEASE!

I come to dislike the idea of my family leaving home(aboard) coz it makes me feel so lonely.

My lil bro left to China for some volunteering works this morning.
He said good bye to a still half foot in Lala land me.
If this is a western culture,he would plant a light peck on my cheeks.
*shudders*

Though nothing much of my life would change.
Less naggings.
Less bickers.
Less laughters.
It's just a short ten days.
Hope everything is fine for him there.
A safe journey to and fro is what I asked for.

(Elder)Bro seems to love it there at England.
Though he claimed to lost 6kg(man!!I wanna shed those pounds too!)
and his waist is now of a tiny 28cm!(For guys!!?),but other than food..he still seem to be doing good.

Sigh.
I wanna go on hols too.
I cant even go to Bangkok!

I feel so trapped here.
I wanna go on hols,not with my family,my friends..maybe not even Jason.(aww...baby...listen to what I have to say first.)

I just wanna go on tour with a stranger.
Better to be a homosexual guy whose metrosexual!

No strings attached.
Realised I didnt wanna meet any gal on tour.

I guess...It is more fun to be with a guy who is not so GUY,respect women,a perfect gentleman,yet wont be the type you fall for.

If you are with a bf or so,you run to the perils of not having a decent good night sleep.

Honestly...the idea of sex with your bf turns me off.
I dunno what does that explains.

To me,sex is something done when you are so swept away by the romance,the sensuality and sexuality of the night.

Other thant this kinda romantic sex,the rest is porn sex.

Sex with husband is another thing,maybe.
You have to produce baby anyhow.
(well..not really.-_-)

Anyway,yeah~That's how I think.

On trip with a friendly unknown stranger(who has better be metrosexual homo)
is good.
I am eliminating all chances of unknown bad misfortunes that may befalls.

Damn!
BORING LA.

How interesting can the person is when she is always blogging boredom away.

Something really interesting and meaningful.
Havent read thoroughly.
A good thing for Tuesday(lazy) morning.

A ninety-one year old woman died after living a long dignified life.
When she met God she asked him something that had long bothered her.
If Man was created in God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat each other so badly?

God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us.
And it is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people, relationships and God. This confused the woman, so God began to explain.

When someone lies to you it teaches you that things are not always as they seem.
The truth is often far beneath the surface.

Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know their heart.
And remove your own masks to let people know yours.

When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is forever.

Always appreciate what you have, for you never know when you might lose it.

And never ever take your friends and family for granted because today is the only guarantee you have.

When someone mocks you it teaches you that no two people are alike.

When you encounter people who are different from you, don't judge them by how they look or act; instead base your opinion on the contents of their heart.

When someone breaks your heart it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that person will love you back.

But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten.

When someone holds a grudge against you it teaches you that everyone mistakes.

When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense.

Forgiving those who have hurt us is the most difficult and courageous thing Man can do.

When a loved one is unfaithful to you it teaches you that resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge.

Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptation.
By doing so you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.

When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil.

Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be.

Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.

Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became concerned that there were no lessons to be learned from Man's good deeds.

God replied that Man's capacity to love is the greatest gift he has.

At the root of all kindness is love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson.

The woman's curiosity deepening, God once again began to explain.
When someone loves us it teaches us that love, kindness, charity, honesty,humility, forgiveness and acceptance can counteract all the evil in the world.

For every good deed, there is one less evil deed.

Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.

When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be.
Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality?

When you die will your life have resulted in more loving or hurting?
More comfort or pain? More joy or sadness?

Each one of us has power over the balance of love in the world.
Use it wisely.
Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the right direction.

I realised that I am really not very clever.
To protect my reputation(if any),I refused to disclose my IQ results from the Tickle's test.
I can only show the below:

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior.
This means you have exceptional verbal skills.
You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems.
Your strengths also make you a visionary.
Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas.

A hint would be I am 23 below Jason's IQ.(plus minus)

A shame.

I did not really do the test with all my brain coz I am lazy to think.

Still a shame.

Argh...Goes to hiding.

That interview was good,if you meant to ask me.
It was as good as the last Saturday's one.
Except I am definitely more keen on the last Sat's one though it was on 5.5 work week and shift.
All because I believe that this role is too high of a challenge.Note..Too HIGH~

But well..I was put not to decline challenges.
Cos I presented a more than confident ass there.
I should have shoot myself down to convince the crowd that that was ME.

I guess I had this job to thank.
Pumped me with superlative confidence.

I realised it is also the knack of changing mindset of interviews.
Instead of going there to be interview,you are there to interview as well.
I had all my previous wacko employers/supervisors to thank,they turned me to a stronger M[ch than I used to be.

Back at work now.
Absolutely nothing to do.
ORD mode long sets in since mid May.

I'm sure that there will be people you dislike despite they didnt bite your head or step to your tails.
I am rarely guilty of that,I swear.
I only buy all the frogs,toads,spiders,lizards,rats(and what have you) to throw in my big black pot (to start the whole Withcy M[chy)ONLY when someone poke their asses to my personal comfort zone.(in a mean way)

But still being said rarely guilty of that means that there are still chances.
One such example is.....
erm...um...I can't think of a name right now but I'm sure there are.
But hey,I dont like to name names here.
Oh well,it doesnt matter anyway.
Not here.

Darn...Stomach felt queesy.

There is something wrong with my digestive system lately.
Maybe too much wax.

=/

You should know whatsong is this.

----------

Feels like you made a mistake

You made somebody’s heart break

But now I have to let you goI

have to let you go

You left a stain

On every one of my good days

But I am stronger than you know

I have to let you goNo one’s ever turned you over

No one’s tried

To ever let you down,

Beautiful girl

Bless your heart

I got a disease

Deep inside me

Makes me feel uneasy baby

I can’t live without you

Tell me what I am supposed to do about it

Keep your distance from it

Don’t pay no attention to me

I got a disease

Feels like you’re making a mess

You’re hell on wheels in a black dress

You drove me to the fire

And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic

All my life, oh was magic

Beautiful girlI can’t breatheI

got a disease

Deep inside me

Makes me feel uneasy baby

I can’t live without you

Tell me what I am supposed to do about it

Keep your distance from it

Don’t pay no attention to me

I got a disease

I think that I’m sick

But leave me be while my world is coming down on me

You taste like honey, honey

Tell me can I be your honey

Be, be strong

Keep telling myself it that won’t take long tillI’m free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease

Free of my disease

I got a disease

Deep inside me

Makes me feel uneasy babyI can’t live without you

Tell me what I am supposed to do about it

Keep your distance from it

Don’t pay no attention to me

I got a diseaseI think that I’m sick

But leave me be while my world is coming down on me

You taste like honey, honey

Tell me can I be your honey

Be, be strongKeep telling myself it that won’t take long tillI’m free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease

Free of my disease

Sometimes I get pretty frustrated and annoyed for no reasons.
Search me.

It could be the thought and the act of having to keep finding energy to fight off every obstacles ahead.
And so we get tired pretty often.
But then along the route of jadeness,it's ironic to fanthom what's the jadeness about?

Sometimes it is best to be left alone when you are feeling like this.

Sometimes I dun see an ending to be bad.
Dunno if it is an act of optimisms or what?
It is just like sometimes I want to be angry,be betrayed or hurt.
Pretty sadist,I'd said.
Coz I need to turn all the grievances to be strength,soI can move on and really speed on the route ahead.
And then maybe I can find a new path that leads to a new ending.

And the greatest pain that I can thought of to be inflicted would be the person I trust most turn his/her back on me.
And they know who they are.

My comp speaker is lousy,man.-_-

I feel that Life,itself is really something that is very very hard to clasp. (And I almost spell CRAPS.)
I mean a decent lot of us just keep pondering over Life over an over again.

Wondering if this is right or wrong.
What in hell you did to deserve that.
Having doing something you thought is right and then thought it could be wrong after doing it.
Or just keep doing the wrong things.
Wondering why cant you be like him or her.
Find it hard to breathe.
Secretly envied others.
Hate others.
Love for the unrequited ones.
Get hurt by the ones you love.
Decisions after decisions.
Wanted a break but there is no room for it.
Think life is not that bad afterall till you crash to another dead end..again.
No ending woes.
Short lived hapiness.
Sucesses.
Failures.
Sterotypical world.
Subject to judgement always.
Believe in karma but it takes ages to fall on the person you been hoping to get his/her just deserts.
Donations.
No aid come to you.
Sing out loud.
Flop as you dance.
Cry out loud.
Shoulders you lean on turn away.
New love.
New life.
New family.
Death.
Hell.
Heaven.
Another life.
Damn...REcycle of all those things again.

Incoherent thoughts.
I think such is life.

You are scared of doing all these.Scared of what comes next.
But then..when you are close to finishing it,you are too,scare of what comes next.

Right?

Hehz*

Find it suffocating.
But I am not going to be a pemmist.
I just told Jasont hat there is oozing confidence in me that I am gonna kick some asses.

Dont die on me!

Thank God that my parents are coming back tonight.
No more instant noodles.
Think I would die sooner (and very much sooner)if days carries on like this.
My taste buds are so numb.
Phbbt!

Tearing the days off the calender,I realised it's 29th May today.
Someone turned 24 and I hope that this is the last time I remember the 29th May.
My wishes never changed.

Oh man..so damn full now.

Woke up at 12.30pm and I immediately changed to my chamber maid attire.
Hand washed the clothes.
Hung them to dry.
Kept the clothes in.
Folded them neat.
Washed the cups.
Swept and mopped the filthy floor.
Ironed the mountainous clothes.(It took me more than a hour,imagine the pile)
Changed my bed sheets.
On the washing machine.
Put the folded clothes back to their respective wardrodes.
*pang pang*

Oh yes,clear the bin.
Boiled the water.

These should be the main tasks I accomplished.

I can see why many women these days dislike being the housewife.
Imagine it is already so tiring finishing the chores I said above.What about the whole house?With kids?And it's a daily jobs?Unpaid?!

And in return,we gotten ourselves haggard and old?
Unmaintained and rugged?
Auntie and outta touch(of the outside world)?

In return of all these,faced the perils of your man straying?
Kids screaming?
In laws complaining?
The lizards in your house laughing at you?
(well...)

My...my...Undeserving.

If your beautiful picture of being a house wife at home is:

Neat and spanky house.
Dirt free.
Adoring and faithful husband.
More than stable income.
Good and beautiful kids.
One nice doggy that wont poo around your house.
In laws that bake you cookies always.
Have more than ample time to shop around.
Going to the salon just to wash your hair.

Wow...You live in the Stepford land!
Bring me there!

Blah!

I was dog tired after the end of the date.(that I couldnt keep my eyes open at home.)
Went to Madagascar*,well..the animals are funny.
You just go in there for a good laugh,not the story.
And I think it is not Alex* nor Marty* but the penguins that make the show.

And if YOU are feeling tired,lost,confused in life.
Well,cheer up^^.
You know things like that in life never end.
It just comes over and over again to bring you down.Like waves.
But each wave overcome makes you a stronger and confident person each time.
And when you look back,you find the things that bring you down then were so minor and insignificant.
Trust me,I knew it.
Coz I've been thru this shit umpteen times,and all of my friends have their fair share.
Thinking of it makes me tired too.
Gotta brace up!
What's ahead is dark but still we gotta explore.
It helps to have something to count on.
It could be a faith(in God?),a confidante,your bf/gf,a senior,your parents etc.
But at the end of the day,you will realised that it is still yourself that you gotta count on to overcome each obstacle.

So be strong.
You can laid low for a while,but dont be too negative(for too long) coz it doesnt help.

And you know,who I am talking to.;)

10.37am.

I recollected my thoughts.

It is mainly about my career these days.

I thought I had a better sense of direction than before.

Clearly I wont be satisfied with stupid admin works.

Human resource scares the shit outta my jeans*.

I am NEVER gonna sit my ass down as a HR assistant again.

10.41 am.

Suck my thoughts in the reins of arteries.

I have this mental phobia about hitting targets.
I dunno why.
Maybe it is becos' I have not really done any job that requires me to lock on targets monthly.
Not even this current one.
Though they have set target but it is not us.Not US*.

I wanted to challenge it.
Bring it on should be my motto.

But what is stopping me from taking on the challenge?
My lazy arse nature?
Or/and my un-aggressive self?

10.47 am.

Ingression takes place.

But I wanted to do it!

Suddenly I would want a lil challenge to spice up my life.
I would want something that could help me to explore my thirst for quest,if it does exist.

Coz working with no targets is really plain ass boring.
It zaps the life outta you.
Brain would ooze outta your ears.

So perhaps if there is a mandatory target that I must hit on,maybe I will do it and maybe I really can do it.

In the first place,I do not believe in things that people CAN'T do.
It is plainly that they do not want to do.
(And having said that,the words come smacking back to my face.)

10.55 am.

Think I need a surgery.

I need to get the lazy worm outta my system.

There may be too many of 'em.

Laser should take care of it.

10.56 am.

*Books Appointment.*

Today is Jade's last day.She is leaving a week before us.
=When it is my turn,I will blog a sincere blog about my 4-5 mths "attachment" here.

Anyway...

I decided that my brain needs a break.
My body needs a break too.

Before steam smokes outta my head,I better rest the whole system for a while.

No happiness for rushing and from forcing.

Happy, I am.
Heavy responsibility, I bear.
Stronger, I grow.
Determine, I must be.

Fear to lose, I have.
Confidence to live,I must fork.
Money, I need.
Lonely, I denied.

Blah.

What is that all about?

Cant blah a piece of my blog.(mind)

Friday...

Is lonely but I am happy.

An act of narcissim,I must say.

If you feel disgusted,(I wonder why.If you think my looks are stomach churning,I wonder what does the stats in my Friendster meant?Hehz*)don't read.

Am gonna put more pics once I have this kinda bloody time to sit in front of pc and do the codings.

Btw..I am pretty much turned off by the idea of seeing the words I used with the asterix mark on it on other places.

Though it is not patented but it is definitely not their style of wording from the start.

Blah!

I think I should really take things at a slower pace.

Breathe in.

It is always my impatient self that gets me to the unwanted worries.

Breathe out.

*chill*

Opps,the picture doesnt fit to the blog window width.
Blah.Lazy to resize.Dont think that this company pc comes with photoshop either.
It's in my friendster.
Like this pic though. ;)

I dun usually believe in horoscope readings coz I think they are plain dumb.
But this one at friendster just makes me smile.(Though I still dont believe in it.)

Today's Forecast

Expect an instant replay of yesterday's warmth, and a heart-to-heart conversation that's sure to bring you two even closer than you were before -- which is really saying something...

*smiles*

Morning rain would be the death of me.
I just hate it when it rains in the morning.
It makes you to only one place and die there. -Lala Land.

It rained in two consecutive mornings,certainly not hoping for the third replay tml.
I hate morning rain!

Well...infact I dun usually welcome rain unless I am completely under shelter.(Oh tell me,who doesnt?)
Do you like going out wet and cold?
Do you like the sights of crashed(and really to bits) snails and perhaps earth worms?
How about the sound of toads and frogs?
Oh,love carrying a brollie about?
How about walking in high cautious mode?
Although I am always klutzy with my walking when I'm with Jason.
Well..I'm off my guard when I'm with me mah.

And finally you cant really do alot of things when it rain.
You can do alot of things under the sun,even if it is those rainy weathers' activities.
Like...drinking hot chocolate?
Who says you cant drink hot cocoa in warm weather?Sure you dont feel like it,drink it cold blended then.
It is really the chocolate that you are after.

Blah.

And I am completely zzz now.

Everyone has new sales for this month.And lots of sales.
Except me.Only one.
It's not that I care.But if this is a real perm job,I would have to pack my stuff.

Often I am kinda frustrated with myself.
Lazy ass!
Much as I am willing to defend myself coz I really think I am always working hard?
Hmm...
And so I am thinking of giving myself a good break.Just a week of getaway.
But whenever I thought of that,I would think of myself as an lazy ass full of excuses.

Critic,I am.
Ya,shoot me!I ask for it.
Blah!

But I still think I am not going to rush to it till I find an optimum fit.

Problem- I am too lazy and cowardy to face up a job too high of a challenge.
Question- How do I know that I am going to find that optimum fit?Or what is that optimum fit for me.
Doubt - The longer the time drags,the higher the eroding power of own confidence and will.

Vonny msged me last night to complain about her sucky work.How she slogged her ass off and how she felt life is unfair if this is how her life should be.

To me,the only thing that is unfair about this world is really the line of gap between the rich and poor.

I wouldnt proclaim myself to be a poor chap.But still I am far from rich.

I wouldnt say being rich is everything.
But I wouldnt say too that money is the root of evil.

What's evil is one's desires.
What does it gotta do with money?
It doesnt mean that when you are poor,you will be saint.

But still I realised that if you are rich,at least well off.Meeting average and above,it cuts you the advantages of many things.

Now I am just talking about career.
At our age.
In Singapore.

Sure you can see the differences b/w someone who is slogging under the pressure coz he/she has to, and someone who is working coz he/she is the age to work.

**
Disturbance*

Fucking piece of shit!
I wear a S size top ok!
Fucking stanger.
Who cares you are whatever mgmt or commitee or whatever nice titles you can give yourself.
You are not a merchadiser or a tailor!
To fuck with you.
When I say I wear a S size,I am being truthful.
Even though you think I wear a M and M size is not that bad yet.
But still it is an insult when you put it that way.
("Oh,I thought you wear a M.")

You know what,it is obvious that you are a L.
Just becoz I am tall and I wore a jacket over,it doesnt makes me a M yet.

Oh...piece of shit!

*go find a middle finger pic*



How about this?


Hey I like that!



Finally..



Ah....Peace.

Hehz.

It's too vulgar that I forgot what I was talking about earlier on.

Well..Nvm~

Unpretentious Duo.

Nothing has happen yet.
Nope.

But why do I feel so vexed?
Why I care that much?

Even if it happens,it is not the end of the world.
Right?

I need someone to talk to.
But for what?
No solutions except my own decisions.

Tried messaging sometime.
Hope you can gimme a honest opinion.
But that wont help anything.

On the palm,I need to do it if I can,like I should.
On the front,I wish there is more room for negotiation for myself.

Blah~
Thinking way too much.

Relax.
A step at a time.
Rainbow after storm.

I'd believe...

I feel that it is the things in life that keep on pushing me to be strong,go on.
Why can't I hear you?

As much as I would like to,but I know I already cant stop and look back.
Time is rushing me to run ahead.

Oh man.

Why do I feel alone?

Though I am not really complaining.
But I am crying out loud coz I know I couldnt leave you alone.

Could life be easier if you wasnt here?
In minimum aspects,maybe.
But in many more,it will be more tougher.

I am sorry that I am never good enough.
Never good enough for you.

Sigh.

Sometimes I get pretty confused with myself.
Like I've said,I cant fanthom myself sometimes.

I am alone in my house now.(and then again)
I wonder how bad can it be if I were to stay like this?

Sing to myself.
Typing my thoughts out.
Alone.

I dont like this.
But I never show that I like what I have before it is time for lonliness to set in.

Much as I wish,I am never the type that would openly express my affections and love to my family.
Though they are important to me,if not the most?
They are never,too.
Most of us are not,but I hope I will be in the future.

Anyway.

I dunno what kinda person I am.

I know beneath that layers and layers of talks laid a pretty irritating me.
A coward.
Maybe autistic?
Ha.

Sometiems I really wish that I am wiser for my age.
Wisdom doesnt necessary comes with age.
But still I am not wise,can never be.

I wish I can take life in a more laid back manner.
But I am scare that I would be one name with no career,no sense of belonging,no achievements in years to come.

Stupid employers would always comment that 21 is still so young.(Really like the one today)
May I ask,4-5 years down the road..would you be asking what have I been doing when I was young?
Is 21 never an age to start working?

Stupid employers would always comment that why arent you doing what you study?
May I ask,did all entrepreneurs studied Entrepreneurship?Did all sales person come with sales course?(and so on)
My answer,dont be an ass.And worse...stupid ass.
You deserve my slap.

There is far too much sterotypication for this world.
I think in order for me to be a milk maid,I must take a course in squeezing mik outta the cow and pass with a cert at least.

Sometimes..I admit..I am pretty selfish.
I can be selfless but in some area,I am selfish.

At my home,my responsibility is there.
Invisible but heavy.

And so I should not or cant hesistate to do something that can help me to fulfill that role efficiently.

What brings me down is often my incapability to withstand the challenge.
Time after time,I am made believe to be a stronger person than before.

Many things can bring me down.
But I refused to bow.
Not to the things,not the people.

My current fear is that foreseeing myself still where I am standing now.
Nothing.Really nothing.

If that is to come true,I feel unjust.
I am scare.

Thus I am trying my best to prevent that to come true.

Am I afraid to lose?

I have nothing to lose yet.
I am just afraid that I cant gain anything yet.
Gain is a wrong word.
Achieve is what I meant.

Sigh.
Decision.Decision.

If you have know me long enough,you must have realise that I am the sort that really stick by my own decision.
I really ask for opinion sometimes coz I respect you.
And who doesnt need a piece of advise sometimes.
But as said,I can listen to you but it doesnt meant that I dont have a mind of my own.

Maybe it is time that I should fully explore my independent self.

I should be bringing home the dough.
If not part of it.
Ashamed I am not(yet), though I feed myself.

In life...We are always talking about opportunity costs.

You often have to trade in something for another thing.

In my life,nothing is too smooth sailing.
I dont complain coz I shouldnt.
(Ok,I admit I do complain alot sometimes.But I know how to count my blessings.)


But I dont often get what I want without sacrificing another.

And so what i wanna say is that...

Should I make another decision on the expense of one or two things,I hope you understand.

I know you will.

But still I know what consequences would those expenses bring.

We are at a transitional age.

Everything is not stick there for sure.

Everything keeps moving and life keeps changing.

Though I welcome stability but it is still too soon for my life to become too stable and then insipid.

If I could specifies an age to start living,work tiwce as hard and stop complaining,I see no better age than now.

Maybe I am still wrong.

But I hope in the midst of every changes,we will be holding on.
It may be tougher and tougher every minute.
But impossible is nothing.
Right?

Sigh..
I dunno my placing in life sometime.

Would you assure me?

Home alone.
Bored.
Sigh.

From now till the 29th,it's me and my bro alone at home again.
I dunno if we are gonna kill each other off within this 7 days.

Blah~Kidding dey!

Though we hate and love each other,it is not enough to kill each other off.

It was kinda sad when I sent my parents off.Especially when they entered the transit area,I felt somewhat lost.
It's just weird(and I cant find a better word than that) to see your parents waving good bye and leaving you.

Anyway..Man,I am FAT!
Squeezed the fat in my tummy.

*God!My bro just bring a kid home!Wat the!
Whatever happen to the pre hand warning.
I hate people(other than my own family) to see how I look at home!

That is one english speaking good looking kiddo.Looks rich too.
Oh well.
I just dont welcome uninvited and suddenly pop out strangers in my house.(when I am looking so slack.)

Yesterday was good.
And if I have to rub it in,I'll emphasize that it's VERY G-0-0-D.

Hehz*

We had Mcdonald breakfast at Orchard.
Walked around Borders.
Walked around Taka.
Walked to Cineleisure for lunch.
Saw the M-pire.(If you know what's this,you will.)

Oh ya.I almost forgot to blog down this very appalling act of one auntie at Kinokuniya.
There are always alot of people reading magazines for free~(Which I dont very agree with.If you wanna read for free,go to the library.But hey...Jason was there.Opps.I dont care.Coz he is reading magazines that are atrociously priced and cant be found in the library.)

Bang!One auntie(whom I refuse to take a second look) tore the plastic wrapper to read the magazine.
I was only like half a arm beside her.
The best I did,without causing a commotion,was I uttered "Disgusting!"(loud enough for her to hear) and walked off.
Standing next to her makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Hello!I dont care if you are gg to buy that magazine or just being shameless enough to do that,it is just downright cheap.
(Oh..Maybe I should said "What a cheapo!")

Say even if you are gonna buy it,it is still rude for you to tear off the wrapper.
(and most likely you are just gonna put back)
If you are cheap enough to do that,I dont think you would just pay for it.

-----------------------
Gr8!I am gonna be all alone till night!Bro left the house with that kid.
I am so gonna sing that Akon "Lonely",yea,chip munk style.
It's ok,I am gg for a late night movie with my colleagues anway.
Sob..I am so lonely.
Solitaire C8t* purrs.
----------------------

Took some pics but all in Jason's hp.
Post it when it is availiable.

We went to Tanglin Mall when I am just so blending with that Americans and Britons there.
I speak their accents.
Fakely real.;p

Not ashamed to admit that.
I dont see it as a crime.I dont see it as a mistake.

If you dont think I can do that,that's what you think.*You can ask Jason.
If you think what I did was not being real,hey....I did it at Tanglin Mall,not China Town.
D-uh!

Walked back to Far East with Jason under the rain.
Hehz*

Home.

Such an ordinary but sweet day.

22nd month anniversary coming.

How fast.

Though we keep on changing to keep up with the changes in life,but the reason which we are still together with no major hiccups is becoz one part of us never change.

I dont need to spell it out.

=)

My parents are flying to China pretty soon.
Gonna send them to airport and back.
The journey back is dreadful.

Not only it's due to the fact that I would be back alone on that 'cold hard' journey.
But the airport served some unwanted memories to me too.

Be back for more updates.

Later.

It's Friday.
In Yoda's language,it will be "Friday,it is."

If you remember that in one of my previous post, I blahed about Starwars.

(When I said 'blah',it means "BOO~".To each of his own la huh?)

I was never a Starwars' fan.
Starwars begin all the way back in the 70s and my brothers pledged themselves to the Jedi council since then.
I didnt really follow the whole star trek,didnt like the creatures.
All I think is that Starwars is just plain ugly.

I'm not wrong.
The Jabar and Jaja blink(or whatever) are ugly.
Darth Vader didnt look cool to me.
Darth Maul is a monster,I thought.(In Yoda's language again)
And Yoda is ugly too.(Why cant the Jedi master be a human at least?)
The empire troop looks robotic and ugly.
I think Princess Leia's hairstyle is craps and looks ugly.
I think Han Solo is ugly too.
Chewbacca is ugly. -_-

So other than the Luke Skywalker then(is he an old man now?),the glowing light sabres,the old Obi wan Kenobi(whom I really wish to learn the 'Force' from)I dont think there is anything beautiful about Starwars.

Btw I think C PO3 looks ugly too.
R2 D2 is just the vitamin C robot.(well..at least it is cute)

I dont understand the story.
I dont know who is who.
Ok I admit I did watched it with my brothers.But I wasnt a Jedi nor Sith.
I just think it is craps.

So when it ended,I kinda felt relieved.
No more Starwars~
Good bye George Lucas,though I think he is one of the most phenomenal man in the movies industry.
(But I like the name Lucas.It just sound so cool...so Starwars,so Jedi.)

But Mr Lucas stirred up the whole tumult again.
Starwars is coming back.(Or now,Starswars came back.)

But hey the young Anakin Skywalker is so cute!
But still I think Queen Padme Amidala's make up sucks.
What's up with the geisha's make up?
And her hair freaked me.
Well at least she looks much better when she removed that geisha's makeup.

I did not catch Episode 1 & 2 for your infor.
I am just not interested to.
When Episode 3 finally came,I was hurraying.

*no more Starwars,no more Starwars~~~*

But somehow..I have no idea how,as the Episode 3 releasing date is nearing,I find myself swept into the whole Starwars' saga.

And I booked tickets to it.
Gonna catch it this 23rd,booked one of the best center seats.

And suddenly I understand the whole Starwars' story.
I bought the 8 days magazine with Yoda on the front page.
*Judge me by my size,do you?*

(I cant find the Queen and Anakin ones.I am not gonna buy Princess Leia's one.Her hair is crap.)

My desktop wall paper is a scene whereby Anakin and Obi Wan fight.

I read the whole of Life* becoz they are talking about Starwars.

I like Yoda's manner of communicating.

I understand how the whole flow goes now.

I greatly admire George Lucas,better than Peter Johnson now.
Coz Starwars is solely Lucas' brain child, while Johnson merely execute someone's else work.(though it was nothing but remarkable!)

For someone who never bother about the whole saga but was suddenly swept into it, I figured that there must be some explainations for it.

I must be controlled by the FORCE!

Meet M[Ch,the new solo Jedi to the family.

May the Force be with you.

Hehz*

If you think this is just stupid,look out for my light sabre!

New I may be but fail the Jedi,I shalt not.

*Darn,I am getting too good at it.*

"When I fall in love~~~It will be forever~~~"
Does this piece of lyric sounds familiar to you?

I think this is more believable.
"Diamonds are forever~~~~"

Ditto.

Alright.Coming outta the MRT,walking along the passage way to Harbourfront Centre and then to office,this thought waved through my brain outta the blue.
(Stop!Ever wonder why it is outta the blue?Not yellow,green,purple or pink?Does blue represents surprises?Just a thought.)

Ok..My topic for the day is:

'Is Interior and Exterior Mutually Exclusive or not?"

Further elaborations.

If ya attached,look at your partner now.
There is at least a reason why you are still with him/her.
But none is made to be perfect.
Sure there are rooms for improvements,do you actually wish that they(the areas for improvements) can be made?

If you shake your head and tell me ,"No,I just love her/him for the way he is."
I am so gonna slap your head for lying.
Till now,I do not believe that people (esp of my age)are all saints.

Sure you can accept for who he/she is,how he/she looks and behaves,but I am sure that you sure wish that he/she can be how you want to be.

As usual I am gonna list some examples.

(Disclaimer*Names are fake here)

Crystal and George are just another couple down the road.
They love each other,just the way they are.-_-

But there's one thing (or just one of the things) that Crystal wishes desperately that George would change.
Oh she doesnt despise him coz she truely admire this guy's thoughtfulness and all that's on the interior.

Now you think,if you love someone from the interior,nothing else should matters right?
Right.

Exterior wise,George is still doing fine except he got the crappiest hairstyle that he wouldnt change.
What kinda hairstyle am I referring to?
I leave it up to your imagination,whichever hairstyle you think is craps in Twenty and Five.(2005 la~)

Crystal,"Honey,would you please,y'noe go to the salon and change your hair style?"

George,"Not again.Honey,do you really love me?"

Crystal,"Of coz I do..."

George,"If you love me for who I am,you shouldnt keep nagging me to change my hair style.This is the way I like it.Why are you still so concerned about how I look?You love me not becoz of how I look?"

Crystal,"I do!But loving you for who you are internally doesnt mean I have to totally accept how you look externally.They are mutually exclusive!"

George,"NOT!"

Blah blah~

And flip it around,let's see how the pancake is cooking.

Crystal and George are just another couple down the road.
They love each other,just the way they are.-_-

George is definitely happy with the way Crystal looks.
She's hot and knows how to 'maintain' her looks.

But that's all for externally.Internally Crystal could be worse than the combination of his mother and mother in law.

She just nags non stop and gossips practically anything and everything.
Other than that,she is doing fine internally.

Crystal,"George,pls stop dressing like that.You are not gonna wear this to town,are you?Blah~~~~"

George,"Honey,would you pls stop nagging.I am happy with the way I am,the way I dress,the way I comb my hair.You are worse than my mother.Would you stop,pls."

Crystal,"What?Now you are despising me!I am only saying for your own good."

George,"Own good?God,I am not a 3 year old.You dont judge me by how I look?You dont love me coz how I look.I am happy with everything of you,if only you dont nag like that!"

Crystal,"Ha!You love me only becoz how I look!"

--------------------

Mutually exclusive?
Ok,I am NOT making any personal attacks here to anyone.

As before,I am just pointing out some things I dont understand in life.

Suppose you love this one for who he/she is,why are you still bother about the way he/she dress,the way he/she talks,the way he/she behaves in public?

When the love spell wears off,all the imperfections surface.

You doubt yourself.
Are you eating your own words or have you change?

You didnt seem to notice how bad she/he dress.
You didnt seem to notice that he is actually balding and she got dandruff.
You didnt seem to realise how bad he looks when he eats that drumstick, and how irritating she is when she keeps on playing the 'controller' in this relationship.

You still love him/her,right?
He/she is still the same person that makes your heart skips a beat,makes you laugh and still the one that can console you,dry your tears,makes you laugh etc.

But why there are just something that you cant stand internally/externally about each other?

My taking is like this.

Being in love with each other doesnt necessary means that you are fully happy and/or satisfied about the other person.

While you love him,you still dislike the way his hair is.
While you love him,you still dislike his gaming habits.

While you love her,you still dislike the way she throws her tantrums.
While you love her,you still dislike the way she dresses sometimes.

It takes complete love,courage and faith to disregard every single flaw of the person you love.
That's to say that you wont mind your guy dig and flick his 'gold' away in public.
That's to say that you wont mind your gal wears sleeveless,unshave.
That's to say that you wont mind that your guy rather spend every weekend playing mah jong than going out with you.
That's to say that you wont mind that your gal nagging you from left ear to right nostril.

Can you do that?

Me...
I can't...yet.
Maybe sometime I can.
That is when I stop loving you.Then I wont give a damn how you look or behave.

Can you now say that our love are all flawed?

I beg to differ.

I just think loving a person internally and externally are mutually exclusive.

*Please claps*

*bow*

Hehz*

To kick start Thursday morning("the so near yet so far" day of the week), read this post I saw in Friendster.
(Speaking of Friendster,I wonder why people bother to pop in and check my profile everyday without dropping me a testi.The counter jumps every day by 2 or 3,sometimes just 1)

Why Men Are Happier...

-- Your last name stays put.

-- The garage is all yours.

-- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

-- Chocolate is just another snack.

-- You can be President.

-- You can never be pregnant.

-- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Actually, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

-- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

-- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

-- Same work, more pay.

-- Wrinkles add character.

-- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

-- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

-- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

-- One mood all the time.

-- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

-- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

-- You can open all your own jars.

-- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

-- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

-- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

-- You almost never have strap problems in public.

-- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

-- Everything on your face stays its original color.

-- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

-- You only have to shave your face and neck.

-- You can play with toys all your life.

-- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

-- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

-- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

-- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.


-- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

-- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier...

I have another piece of blog coming up.A topic ringing in my head while I walked to office this morning.

Later.

It is difficult to sit down and think of what you should do without having the means to execute it.

I think I am more than ready to take on new challenges,which just means a new job.
My contract is ending and I have already on the outlook.(with actions taken.)
But more to my surprises,so far only one agent contacted me.
It couldn't be my mis match of qualifications,I thought.
Coz with this current vocation,I think it value adds me alot.

Say even if you dont count this kinda industry that I operates in,consider the level of people that I am talking with.
And the telephone etiquette that I was trained.
Blah~

So I figured that it could be due to this 2 reasons.
1)My availability is stated to be after 3rd June.(when this contract ends)
2)My name is under the top ten hated list of the agents.(consider what I have done previously..oh sins..)

I certainly hope that factor no 2 is clear wiped off.
It is not good to bear grudges.
*chants*

I dont believe that I cant and wont get a job.
But I have my expectations this time round and so it may take some time.

Um.
But...Dear God,if you are reading this,please understand that I cant wait too long.
Coz I have my expenses to clear and mouth to feed.
(my own mouth.)

But most importantly...I pray for the strength and courage to overcome any challenges.
I am forsaking what I thought to be my ideal career for the sake of being able to earn more money first.

Maybe I should just go flying.
Would you mind?

Meet M[ch* the philosopher.
If you think likewise,let me blow a kiss to you.
If you think otherwise,so be it.
I didnt ask you to read.
And if you are thinking who else bothers to read and maybe all the time I am just talking to no one.
Uh huh.
I repeat again...
Meet M[ch the philosopher, not realist.

Blah.

I need money!

Do you believe that it is really only after 21 that you ought to take life in a more serious mode,and my point is...What's makes you sure that you can acheive your resolutions after 21?

Some time in the past(or it is still the habit of some),upon reaching a new year,people make resolutions.
All circulates around the main point of "be a better man(or woman-_-)" and "not to waste life."
Or really it doesnt even need to be a year end to make such kinds of "oaths".
People just make resolutions as and when they feel like they wanna and think they need to kickoutta their current lifestyle.

I am not saying it is not good.
But really,resolutions are often words without actions.
Actions without perseverance and determination (Why am I repeating?-_-)are as good as just words.
Perseverance without faith,will and the spirit to take on challenges is just as good as fluffy words.(that's not solid enough)
And finally faith and will that cant outfight the test of time is really nothing but ripples in pond.

I fall to the those that fail to mark their words.
Most of us do.
And those who doesnt are the big names we all know.(not infamous ones)

I am kinda digressing.
What does being 21 gotta do with all these?
I think my point is ..um..

Being 21 doesnt change a thing.
You may wanna take things for a change but it doesnt really gotta start with 21.
You can do so at 15,18,20,25,28,30 and so on.(depends on how long you can live.)

While it doesnt make any differences to what I am trying to say.(infact the crux is lost already.)

I just dont understand why people make such a big deal outta 21.
Does 21 really mean bearing more responsiblities,making a change and so on?

To me,21 stepping outta the 2-zero and age will catch on faster than you know.
And responsibilities being at when you know how to and want to share the load.
Resolutions can be made any age.
It is really when can you really do it.

Leaving you with this quote that's in my email today.

Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.

- Dr. David Schwartz

While the circumstances seem similar to where I was,I am more stringent this time round.
Money is important to me.
So is my happiness.
Though I cant take my time but I too,shall not rush into it this time.

Hehz*

It is once again Monday.
Anyone feeling the blues?

Sometimes I can't fathom myself.
I mean...perhaps ownself is one of the hardest person around to understand.
Before you d-uh me,think about it.

Do you really understand yourself?
Can you always find a reason for all your actions and thoughts?

For my instance,more often than not I cant really understand why am I angry over some of the things Jason did.
If it goes to prove that I really care for him,then why do I really treat him like dirt sometimes?
(Confessions of the dirt c8t*)

For another of mine instance,I always feel that I wanna achieve something.I wanna be the happy,independent chick of this society.But I am hardly pushing myself to achieve any.

So what's wrong,what's wrong now?

Do you find yourself relating to me?In one way or another.

Examples:

You hate your boy/gal friend for 'abusing' you and you long to leave him/her,only to really find yourself sticking to him/her in the end.
Can you understand why are you doing this to yourself?

You dont really like this design,yet you buy it coz you have been wanting something like that.(despite it's not really that kinda design you want but you decided to make do.)
Can you understand why cant you resist that kinda temptation?(when deep inside,you really know you can)

You sit down and think about life.
Can you understand why are you sitting there,wasting time to think rather than really aking actions to do it?


You can be a good adviser and conversationalist for others' woes and cries.
But when you run into the same problems,you just cant yourself being able to execute the actions.
Can you understand why you then decide to write to Aunt Agony or call the Samaritans hotline,when it is really the same problem that you forked out advise for others?

You are uncomfortable when your bf/gf checks out the other attractive being on the streets openly,but you are actually doing the same thing and yet think your partner is just being silly/possesive when he/she is unhappy.
Can you understand why you are unable to practice what you preach?
(not only for this but most of the things in life.)

You cant think of a reason why people can be so scum-ish and yet this comes from someone who vents his/her frustrations faced outside to someone closer(maybe your family members or bf/gf)
Can you understand why you have such an undesirable behaviour?

For crying out loud,you just think you are right in everything you said.
You are old enough to make your decisions,old enough to justify for the things you do,old enough to decide what's right and wrong you do...and so you think you are old enough to think you are always right.

Despite knowing you are wrong in a way,you choose to believe that you are right.

Refuse to lay down.
Refuse to admit.
Refuse to bow.
Refuse to meow.(...meow?)

Hehz.

Do you understand yourself?

"How can others understand you when you cant understand youself?"

Oh..spare me from the cliche.

You think you understand me.
I think I understand you.
Do you really?
Do I really?

Do we understand ourselves in the first place?

Disclaimer*If you think this is a dumb piece of blog,it really is.Coz I dont understand what am I typing as well.Oh well...Does it matter?*

Life is often filled with uncertainties.
So more often than not,we are just wandering souls in the continents we are being scattered around in this big round rotating ball.

While I was reading the one and only Calvin & Hobbes comic book in my house,there is this rather simple yet true dialogue as spoken by Calvin.

I shall present this quote:

"Y'noe,sometimes it seems things go by too quickly.
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we dont take the time to enjoy where we are.
Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur.
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present.
Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made,but it's too late to change anything..
It's like...It's like ..something that I just can't think of.."

(and he and Hobbes drop down the hill on their push cart.)

True huh?

But tell me,how many people can afford to indulge in the present without harbouring any fear and hope for the future?

It is the same uncertainty in life that makes us cringe,makes us sad,makes us feel we are so insignificant and just a dot in a universe.

We dare to harbour hopes and dreams for the future when we were young.
We all thought that we will eventually be at where we dream.
Advertisements on TV make the dreams seem so much more acheivable.
And so we all thought we will eventually be the next Bill Gates or Justin Timberlake. (Hmm..-_-)

I dare not speak for creation of my kind in other countries as I do not live their culture,lifestyle,country politics etc.

In this tiny island call Singapore,you ought to be proud of what your forefathers and the PMs and President (soon to be all gone,judging by their age.Oh...a shame) had done.
If something that tiny(not more than a dot in the big blue rotating ball) and insignicnat, and really being rakned lousy for everything then,can become something that it is now,the people who are inhabitating that island should be good.
Really all good.

Unfortunately not all can be kings and queens.
Coz there are still achievers,many shoot for the stars,many become who they once aspire to be,some may divert but still are sucessors.

I wonder...what about the rest.
I refuse to believe that I should belong to none of them.

I do not need to be a name that everyone should be in awe of.I know I wont be and I would be content not to be.

But...having not enough for the future.The inability to satisfy what I want makes me feel disgusted of myself.
The inability to enjoy what people out there can becoz I cant have enough,I cant make enough brings me to shame.
The inability to give enough to my parents makes me grit my teeth.

I've never complain that I am poor but I am simply saying I had not and never have push myself hard enough.

I am afraid of what I can't do.
I am afraid of being unhappy in life just becoz I choose to do something that can bring me closer to where those people are.

I am lazy and always is.

I am a critic.
I am a critic to others and myself.
And Jason knows I am a critic of his too.
Which I know is all so wrong but this is me.

While the opposition team may oppose me and tell me that the beautiful things in life comes from what your heart can see,not the naked eye.
But heart can be deceived by desires.
As much as we wanna stay simple and be blissful with the things we have,it is the place that we are living in(I reckon)that had us to keep pushing ourselves to the limit.

Not all can be kings and queens.
Not all can be the bright stars shining in the sky.
But...not all wanna be too.
They would be happy just to be a part of the black skies.
But unfortunately..right here in Singapore,we just cant afford to be.

Ending here with Howie Day's song.It is just so smoothing.
I imagined him to be the long blond rugged man.
Or maybe just rugged...like Hugh Jackman.
(I realised I have develope a deep liking for manly rugged man.Ohh...)

Anyway...

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah

*hum*

I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide

*hum*

I'm quiet you know

You make a frist impression

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow find

You and I collide

Dont stop here

I lost my place

I'm close behind

*hum*

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to ryhme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

*hum*

You finally find

You and I collide

*hum*

You finally find

You and I collide

And yes,what makes me forget to put taking up French in the things I wanna do?

During the last 5 mins(or so) of my tour in Lala land,I had a bad one.
Is this what they call a premonition or dreams just spell opposite of reality.

According to the dream,it spelt the end.
Is it really?
Worthy of the end?

Ridiculous.
But this time round,I am not gonna try to dive in another direction.

Time from time,many factors and events in life wear us and hurt us too easily.
Hence it is so easy to fall down to cynism(comes from the wrd cynic,coz I dont think there is such a word as cynism),despair and blah blah blah.

It is important yet not easy(But not not possible) to stay positive at all times.

Refuse to let things bring me down,I have to keep reminding myself what I wanted to do.

1. A serious line in an education industry. You may or may not agree that this is for me,sometimes I have no real idea either.But as long as I am into it still, you can only choose to stand by my decision or just dont do anything at all.
2. And so a line in childcare line plus a few assignments to keep the dough sufficient
3. Take up an aerobics class at a good CC or go for those CC gyms.
4. Be able to sponser for a needy kid in those poor countries.
5. Volunteer for those needy?Preferably for the orphans or the animals.Though every needy is equally needy of any help and a peice of love extended.
6. Off strike any streak of inconfidence inside me.(which probably takes a life time.Well..bit by bit,streak by streak.)
7. Have enough time,money and spirit to explore the cookery genes that my parents left me.(if any)
8. Be nicer to my brothers.
9. One day..have the kinda money to really do what I wanted to do to my body since young.(ou will not know..)
10. Seeing myself as a happy,blissful and be content of who I am in the days down the road of my life. (and really never give a damn of whatever others may think of me,unless it is really bad or wrong.)

Unlike some silly songs out there,the world doesn't revolves around 1.

Uh huh.

blah

This is my Mexican name. Your Mexican Name Is... Doña Anaclaudia What's" your Mexican Name? This is Jason's. Your Mexican Name Is... Don Jesus-Ernesto What's" your Mexican Name? --------------- If I speak American-ish...These would be where I would stay. American Cities That Best Fit You: 55% Honolulu 55% New York City 55% Philadelphia 50% Austin 50% Chicago Which American Cities Best Fit You? --------------------- Do u like my Porky? You Are Reverse Pocky Your attitude: rebellious and cleverNon-conformist, but curiously a trendsetterWith you, up is down... and it's a wild ride! What Flavor Pocky Are You? ------ Your Inner European is Irish! Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table. Who's" Your Inner European?

The attack of Auntie.
*Groans*
Jules told me that ovulation and such helps to make us look younger.So appreciate it while you still have it.
Why cant we look younger without gg thru the pain?

Obviously we dun understand the good God put in woman's body.
But why..the pain???


As I was saying about this famous/infamous(it really depends on ur view.) blogger's 21st bday.
A normal but unusually happening chalet bday celebration.
You know how trying to invite the whole of ur friends(from kindergarden to uni,plus the colleagues.) to a single venue can be a lil mistake sometimes.

Dont worry,Eve.
I am just stating from my personal observations.

Coz you really cant afford to entertain every single soul and then not everybody knows everyone there.
You just cant go flying around entertaining every group and by the end of the day still count it as memorable.

Peisi's last one just served a bad bad experience for me.
Right,Ynny?

But again,that famous/infamous blogger seemed to make it a hit.
And really...Cant help to be envious.
The hikes of being famous and all.

Sure you can be a bitch in some eyes.
But really when ya a bitch,you really dont care either.
That's what a bitch with an attitude is.

And when you are rich,your friends are rich.
You get rich gifts.
You wont even know what's a U2 or G2000.(which I cant afford everytime.Definitely not G2000)
Your life revolves around the what we people call luxuries.

Sure you can now try to assure yourself that you dont need those high end labelled products to make you happy.
But sure it makes you different.
At least you dont go to Taka just for window shopping.Feel so outta place when ya stepping in Guess*,ArmaniXchange* etc.(yap,I stepped in just for the fun of it.Trying to act rich)

I may be contradicting myself when I say being poor helps you to stay sane,coz you dont pay for stuff that's ridiculously and stupidly priced.

Well...that's just really trying to look things at a flip side.

Honestly speaking,you really rather to be able to pay for nonsense priced stuff than to pout your lips and try to look things in a flip view,right?

This is just a material society.

I wanna be in New Zealand and be a milkmaid~~

And I found this song's singer.

Sounds like some black to me.^^

Barry Manilow - Cant Smile Without You
(written by: Chris Arnold, David Martin, and Geoff Morrow)

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through I just can't smile without you

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard leavin' your love behind me
And you see I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through I just can't smile without you...

It's a silly giggly night.
Though he reeked of sweat in his green uniform last night,but I still love kissing him.
Hehz*
It is really funny as he "pushed" me home and keep singing that "Chi hua hua".
Lol.
Nutty.

It's really funny as well that till now I still feel shy and feel myself blushing each time he sincerely compliment me and/or look at me.

Suddenly I cant find a better word than 'Funny'.
Ironic.
Haha.

Gotta work hard le la...

Reading that famous/infamous blogger's blog(no,she is no where related to me),she got one very duh but brilliant present for her bday.

A $100 E-zlink card!!!

Haha!
That is smart,kudos to that giver!

Plain original and yet creative.
Seriously,I dont mind.
Except...feel free to top up another $50 every quaterly.
Thanks.

It's a sunny warm day.
Listening to the drilling work outside makes this day look so "summer" and lazy.(& sleepy)
(Just pretend that the drilling sound is like the cricket sound you should hear in Summer.
Ah...the lazy plains of....erm..Sukiyaki?
Ok..I dunno a thing.What is that Chong Xian Dao of Japan call in English?)

Uh huh,if ya wondering how come I am hearing all this at a time like this.(Monday afternoon....)
I'm at home la.
Took leave to settle an interview all the way at B.Batok.(thanks to my dearest cabby uncle who drives me there)
It's YMCA childcare centre.(and I tot I applied for the other one at Woodlands?)
I didnt go there wanting to secure that job.
Not that I dun want to,but it is really far to far.
All the BUKITS are like another island apart.
The supervisor is willing to gimme a chance..but think I have to turn her down.(how to..-_-)
I went there more in taking the chance to find up more about this kinda environment,what's the industrys' demand etc.
Gotten quite a fair bit of insights from her.Hehz*
She wanted me to take another day leave so that I could join them for a day.If that day is ok,she will send me to the HQ for another interview before I can work.
Am contemplating to,I mean..having a chance to be in the kindergarden is one thing.
But I dun wanna attend that one day and then have to go thru all the hassle of interviewing again when that place isnt really what I want.
It is too far la~
Maybe I should just email her(and not call..coward*) that my boss refused to entitle another day leave due to the tight schedule in work(right!) and I have got a better offer which is nearer..(Right..right!)

But indeed...this is one job that really talks about sacrificials.
It is the off going of monetary terms.
The off going of an easy 8-6 work in an air con office.
And lots more.

It's not easy and that is merely an understatement.
So those who look down on the role of teachers(particulary pre school or kindergarden teachers) should all go die,pls.
I hope next time you would rip your head apart when coaching ur own kid.
Evil..
So what?

Back on my personal touch.
First,I wanna give my darling Yng a hug.
Thanks for calling anyway,though you truely take away a good night sleep.
I cant sleep after your call coz I was too frustrated and sad to.
Hehz.

Thanks to dear Evey,ok it's Eve, for all the help.
You always give your all when it comes to friends.And I hope one day I can do the same back.
18th June...coming soon.^^

Since the start of this month,it has been a lil awful time for me.
First,I never got to see Jason much.
Second I am kinda fedup for the things that my bro left behind.And I am really the only one that should and can settle for this now.
Thank God I dont have to pay that $600 bucks!

And so it may be that I am just being complainson...complainsome..whatever..But I am just being fedup.
Each time I tell myself to snap outta it and stop being a baby,but I guess I really just need a lil support as well.
No one walks alone,yea?
Indeed being independent can brush up your heart that wants to be strong,but being together with a group of people that can support you will make you a finer man than ever.

Anyway I guess it is more of Jason.
Last weekend,I have gotten so upset that the damange inflicted was quite a hole.
Shouldnt elaborate more here coz what's over is over.
I am just very upset that he cant commit more of his time for me.(And I thought meeting once a week is bad enough.Taking away that full day of that once a week is really unpardonable to me.)

It is no amount of 'sorries' and really nothing he can do.That's where the frustration builds on for both of us.

I dunno about him.
But if I can be so upset about it,I guess partly the pain I felt came from him too.

Blah.
Over..Over*
..

Next on..for Mother's day.
So what have you done?=)

Intially I wanted to bring my mum to the Fortun ate Restaurant.I guess it is within my budget and that I could blink a lil more to my own fund reserves.
What upsets me more(and it adds on to my unhappiness over the last weekend) is that she kept on refusing.
I mean,I can understand that maybe she doesnt want me to spend the money..but it is still hurting if you were to keep rejecting my good will like that.

Having no choice,I went all the way to PS(and it was raining like shit) to return the things my bro owed,and to see if there is anything I can buy for my mum.
It was a Bad Hair Day.(EVERY woman hates to be associated with that term)
Zoom in and out..there is nothing I can find.

Outta desperation,I went in to TAKA jewellery.
They are always giving out phamplets and discounting yea?
So I thought I might get some steals.

Walk outta the shop...
Ka ching $104!
-________________-""""

It is not really about the money that I cant bear,but it really means with this exceeding the budget I allocatedI have to make further plannings.
(yes,shamely,I only expect a $80.HEY..I am not earning and I have far too many expenses to cover.You wont survive if you are in my shoes.)
And this really means that I have to count on Jacob's breakfast biscuits to fill my stomach and my energy level all the time.

Thank god..she didnt add on stupid comments on why am I wasting that money.Or I would be so sad and fed up that I could retorted that as a charity act to spite her.(thought it wont make me feel better)

Whatever it is,I have myself to thank the one up there that:

I have a healthy family,after all.I can celebrate my mother and fathers' day with the ones that I love and that they deserved.Though my acts doesnt really deserve their loving sometimes.

I have good friends all around.
I shouldnt have to mention names.

I still have the strength to go on and really trace out my future,the route that I am taking.

After every storm,painted a fine fine rainbow.*
(Right,Jason?)

Just keep the motivation gg on.
;}

Yesterday is nothng but shards of my incandescent reveries.

What does tomorrow hold?

Type some and deleted them off.
Type some again and deleted again.

Find 2 wds to conclude them all.

Beat it!

Period.

Type some and deleted them off.
Type some again and deleted again.

Find 2 wds to conclude them all.

Beat it!

Period.

All the things I had done in anticipation.
All the things I thought I have given enough steps to.
All the things I have try to accomodate.

So much for my happy ending.

I miss you.

As simple as that.

Cant wait till tml when I see you.

But would you be too tired to look at me?

I wonder how it feels to study aboard?
I guess it must be nice and fun.
Read it from Vita and Juleana.(two of the persons I know that are aboard.One in the States and the other Aust.)

The change of scenery,environment,feel,touch,hear,see and even smell.

No doubt you will miss home coz this is where you are bred in.
The pple,the food,the things,and who knows the stress too.

But guess we would never know till we tried.
And for me...When would I ever have the chance?

Say if I have the chance to study or maybe work aboard,would I give up for my family,my friends,my sense of belonging and you*.
If you* stop me,will I relent?
Would you* stop me in the first place,or be as supportive as ever?
Hmm...

Though it is not gonna happen(not that I can forsee),but it is fun to run wild with your thoughts and imagination sometimes.

Sigh...
Is it really in Lala Land* that I can fulfill all these "not gonna happens"

*Groans*
Sore throat.
In the middle of yester-night,it was so painful suddenly that I have to jump up and gulp water down the throat.

Look at things this way,indeed we (women) hate to be deceive but sometimes it works too.
Maybe I wont even call it as deceive,but more of being "tactful".
Either way you choose to look at it,it's true.
Indeed I was kinda disappointed over last night coversation.
But I knew you were tired as well.Just that I kinda expect to hear more.When I didnt,I'll just hung the phone upon the first 'good bye'.

I knew you may have read this somewhere before,but just read again.

bad example============
gal (sounding out): you feeling sleeping??
guy: yeah, tired from work...
gal (sounds concern): ok, shan't disturb u, go and sleep lah
guy: ok, you have an early nite too..
guy hangs up the phone.
5 min later, phone ringsawaken by the phone rings, g
uy: hello?
gal: .............
guy: who's this?
gal (feeling unjust): you felt very bothered by me is it?
guy (confused): huh? what?
gal: .............
guy: why? what happened?
gal: you find me very bothersome is it?
guy: bothersome? why you said this??
gal: ..............guy: what's the matter? how i would know if you dun say it out?
gal: we are chatting halfway, and you yawn, and went off to sleep...
guy: b...but, you are the one who ask me to go to sleep..
.gal: you already said want to sleep already, what else u want me to say?
guy: haiz... if you wanna chat, just say so... what for tell me to go sleep, and feeling unhappy in the end?
gal: since when i'm unhappy?
guy: isn't this unhappy? ok ok, i won't sleep the next time, will that do?
gal: what's the point? i want you to chat with me willingly, and not because afraid that i will be unhappy...
In the end, guy spend another HR comforting gal, actual sleep time is 11.40pm, plus the earlier argument, he did not have a good sleep.what worse is the gal may argue with the same thing again the next day.


good example============
gal (sounding out): you feeling sleepy?
guy (tired vocal, but sound interested) : abit, tired from work. but you have not finished talking, carry on, i will be listening.
gal: (felt consoled): orh, but since you are tired, go and sleep then(still sounding out) never fall into the trap and hang up the phone
guy: there's no afternoon break today, indeed more tiring. how abt i give u a call tomorrow morning. let's chat awhile more ok? (tells the reason, and offer make up measure)
gal: oh ok. go and sleep now, you must be tired.
gal is willing to let guy go sleep, but guy must do a bit more than this
guy: so what time you are going to sleep?
gal: not sure, probably a bit later.
guy: ok, but not too late, not good for health. i will be heart pain one hor...
gal (feeling loved): ok lah...guy: i love you the most! (even if eyes are shutting also must remember to say this impt words, else all effort wasted)
gal: i loved you too, have a good rest! (happy till can float liao)
guy: ehmm...gal hang up the phonein the end, 11.10pm
. guy sleep peacefully, and probably a morning call from gal the next day...


conclusion 1:female wants feeling and care. most of the time, female's logic cannotbe figure out with a reasoning mind.conclusion

2:say a few more touching words, concerning lines, will save you morethan hr of precious timeconclusion

3:when encounter the above situation, must always let the gal hang upthe phone first. else it will be disastrous...

But dont drop the same lines at me,you know I am more difficult and less girlish than that.

It is that tired,nothing to talk,sian,wanna hang up tone that got me baffled,a lil sian.


*cough cough cough*

-_-"